Moan for me like Helen Keller
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
please come you make the beer taste better
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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