Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
