I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
