if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
