I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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