I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
