I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
