So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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