wat bout pragnant strippers??
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
