I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
