is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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