seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
