It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
