i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She said her name was "party"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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