I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
