oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
