I got chris browned last night
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
