meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
