I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
