I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
