Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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