Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
