Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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