She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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