tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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