Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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