Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
