My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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