good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He passed out mid-signature
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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