i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
