he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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