Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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