i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
