If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
