I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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