we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
