omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
