the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is Oprah even human
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
