only if we run a train.
done.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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