Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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