I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
