we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
