shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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