im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
