broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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