you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
zippers are such a cool invention
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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