wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
