Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Farmville is her only friend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
