A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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