I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
