I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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