She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
