Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
