Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We got so high we made milksteak
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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