Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
