You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
