The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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