it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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