A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
