Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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