you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
