I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
