Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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